27.05.2023 Disappointment

Disappointment strikes, ideas are shattered. Expectations fall from grace, pain remains. Will I accept it just like that? Adapt my needs here and now? I know I will eventually, but what will I do, feel, express now? Now that I am disappointed, now that I am faced with a painful reality. Different lives, different priorities. Difference that hurts. Hurt that wants to be let free. Pain that wants to escape my body. I have faith that it will be worth it. Whatever form it takes, in whatever timeframe. That has not changed. But I wanted more, sooner. And that is not what will happen. Expectations are pain. I will learn from it. I am always learning. I am growing. I am being. I will be: human, real, hurt, beautiful, ethereal. But what will I say right now? I know and feel that not expressing my disappointment isn’t fair to me. I should know better than to try to suppress these emotions. I need a bit more time. I have time. Time to feel, to think, to cry, to laugh, to discuss. Telling myself “You knew this might happen” won’t help, even though there is truth to it. I ignored it. And I don’t regret that. I ignored it for a good reason: I was being me.

No solution, just confused existence

“The interesting thing about friendship is that it is — almost as much as love — an inexhaustible source of disappointment and outrage, thereby of fruitful surprises it would be madness to try to do without.”

• E. M. Cioran